I always battle with: How much do I reveal about myself? How do I keep my humility? How do I keep my spirit and the reality? And how do I continue to be generous to — to my fans and to my craft? And how do I stay current? But how do I stay soulful? And it is the battle of my life.Beyoncé
It’s 1:04 am and I still haven’t found my sleep. I’ll regret it when sunrise arrives, for sure; with (at least) 2 cups of strong Puerto Rican coffee. Yet, this is the part of me that cannot go to sleep unless it gets her thoughts out, and I am still learning to accept her.
During this new moon weekend, I was showing the usual side of me, which is the woman that is a workaholic and doesn’t know when to stop. She is loud, headstrong, funny and always speaks her mind. I’ve lived with that woman for years; she has kept me alive and ready more than once. Yet, the one that writes this posts is the woman I rarely let others see. She is extremely shy and insecure, but bossy and pushy when wanting something.
Yesterday I spoke with a new friend about facing the darkest part of ourselves and/or the part we don’t always show people because we are either afraid of it or we love it so much, we protect it so fiercely. I was giving this friend an advice that, without knowing it, I was also giving it to myself. I heard in a movie once that a woman has two faces: one for the world and one for where she wears in private. I’m pretty sure that everyone (not only women) have felt this way. And, I can’t shake the feeling that I have felt like such for many years…maybe my whole life.
The quote in the beginning of this post is from one of my favorite artists in the music industry. In her documentary Life is but a dream, she explains this perfectly. Of course, I am not as famous as she is and I don’t have an army of fans; but the essence of the quote resembles a lot with my own battle of how much do I reveal of myself and stay true to who I am or who I want to be. How much is too much and how little is nothing at all?
Now I am an advocate in keeping some things to yourself. We cannot share everything to everybody. Yet, the majority of our inner battle comes from the things that are a part of us and we hide it so, that even our own eyes don’t see it. However, we must be sure in not confusing a flaw with an error. There are things of our nature that we have done and that are just wrong, no matter how much you try to sugar coat it. If we do not stop it, it will consume us to the point of making us think it is part of us, when it is not. That said, it is important to actually get to know who we are so we can see clearly enough to know the difference. Once we know that, we can continue the journey of self knowledge.
And yes, this is something that you’ll have to face everyday. Is not a dust-it-off-is-clean-now kind of thing. The way to balance those two sides of yourself is to be aware that they are you and that they will never leave. You just have to know how to work with them and maybe, one day, you will not see them as two different people; but as one whole person…that is you.
Image by Tiffany Laura-Danyelle Photography